This weekend i had Asher again, and got tons of things delivered from Heathers old place. A new bed for Sarah (she now has her own room,she's a big girl and i post on that later).
However this whole weekend has me now feeling darn inadequate as a person as a mother as a well every aspect that i think about.
And no this isn't just so people will say oh your not so terrible.
I just have to get it off my chest and this is the best way i can.
So as you all know, or should. i started my PhD and almost finished...to the point that i had written 95% of it...then i became a mother...
And not it will take a lot more than 5% to get it finished. this is weighting rather heavily on my mind of late as i am hoping to go back to England in the Autumn and thus meet everyone again that knows full well that i gave up so easily.
I hate it. i hate myself for giving up, i have no one not one person to blame bar my own darn self...
My good friend has just finished his and this makes me realise that i am so incredibly rubbish as he started 3 years after me... aggghh
I hate it.
I also feel really rubbish about work, i can't quite believe that i am teaching English when i can't even spell. i also was almost late today for the lesson as i didn't bargain on traffic at 8am in the morning...yes i know its really stupid of me and everyone knows there is traffic then..i forgot.
I was looking for my keys this morning, and couldn't find them anywhere...then i thought maybe they are in the front door..and low and behold they were there. so super safe i am! I've done this before back in Nottingham, but normally i was drunk, out late or stressed out as my nan died...but this time..well nothing really.
I went in to buy a drink today for 7 -11 and picked it up and just walked out of the shop...then walked back in the shop as i realised i didn't pay for it. what a idiot.
I was carrying Sarah in the sling as she was rather sleepy and it's just quicker a woman stopped me and said wow she's really big she can't walk??
Agghh go away. i just smiled like i didn't understand and walked away.
i was teaching newbies today so teaching the ABC, i forgot how to right the A..i forgot that you go down up and down and then across....so i first taught them up down across..then my co worker/boss said isn't it down up down across?? oh yes.
But answer me this...why? why do we do that its a waist of time. also with the B down up around around why not up around around??
I don't know. its all Greek to me!!
and i am the native speaker...i am, i am just not a native writer, speller, reader...speaking i have down!
ok enough moaning and groaning...sleep deprivation has got to me. i have told the orphanage that i can't take Asher this weekend. poor little thing. i just need a break before i break the law or get broken in to...wow a play on words when i am half asleep is quite an achievement..i feel better about myself already!!
ps can't be bother to check it if it doesn't make sense sorry...i will go shot myself. :P
1 year ago
3 comments:
awwwwww, you have had a crappy time of it lately. I could say a bunch of junk like, we all have bad days or you are really really the best but it seems clear you don't want to read that lol.
I think that most people are either goal oriented, or process driven. For me, take knitting for example. I knit all the time, daily even several times a day but I don't care a bit about finishing. I will rip things apart without even a sigh. For me it is the process of knitting, the doing, that I enjoy and am motivated by.When I finish a project -the goal -, I no longer have something to do that I enjoy.
Other people are goal driven. They are motivated by the finishing of a task. The accomplishment is the important part, the process is the means to the end. I think the people who climb Mt Everest are like this. Me, I would be thrilled to sit at a bar at the bottom of the mountain watching all those people achieve.
Anyway, just a few thoughts.
(ps next time someone says Sarah is big enough to walk tell them to piss off. Sometimes kids just need to be held. You can tell them I said that)
(ps2 your English, spelling, grammer and punctuation are just fine for crying out loud. Not perfect nope, but close. You get the point across!)
I have soooo been there. just last week in fact. I twill get better, it has too! :)
thanks for the wise words and thoughts..feeling a bit better today. Sarah slept and when she woke this morning didn't scream or cry for the first time ever! how great is that! i'll blog it later. :)
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