I've had a Ph.D. pending for like forever now, and now it's way over 3 years now and i am, well at the same point i was this time last year...in fact i might be a bit worst off as new papers have been published and i haven't read them thus they aren't in the stupid thesis...ect..
You get the picture.
Every day i think about it but every day i push it to the bottom of my mind and refuses to think about it for more than a fleeting moment. Tom can't begin to understand how i might be able to let myself do that, but i can. i've done it with other stuff and i've been doing it with this too, it sucks as its my own fault and i am the only one to blame.
Every time i think about it i feel sick to my stomach really sick when i think about the logistics involved with finishing it all off. That fact that i haven't also makes me sick, like what the bleep am i playing at. I am sure that Tom and i would get on way way better if i just did it and submitted.
SO i am at an impasse in my life, i need to get it done or i can't do anything else. i need to move on but i have to finish this first. I was kind of offered a job today that would be teaching kids English and i'd earn about the same amount i do now, but work just afternoons, and have free (or almost free) child care. I want to do this as i want to spend more time with Sarah. The lady will call me tonight to ask me some questions i am sure she will ask me my education level...i say Ph.D., but not really as i've not finished it off yet...that looks really bad. The major thing i have to think about is what if i want to go and live in the UK/ Australia? then what? without my Ph.D. i have nothing.
Thats a little dramatic but what on earth would i do there. there is no way i'd teach english there...being so darn dyslexic i am not even sure i'll be able to here.
I hate that i am disorganized and frankly a mess. i hate i get easily distracted by everything and anything. It's SO annoying, goodness only knows what it must be like to be friends with me, let alone my boyfriend. Tom is organized and i am really not, not finishing this has driven him crazy for over 3 years. i use to think Tom changed when i came to Taiwan because of Taiwan, but you know i am now pretty sure that its because i haven't finished my thesis and it eats him up. He tries all the time to get me to finish but i never do, i never listen to him, as he put it. I do but i just can't seem to get around to finishing it off.
So thats my thought of the day. i need to finish and i need to now or i can't get on with my life. This means i have to read and read a lot this mean that i have to work on it all day Saturday, this means less time with Sarah, but hopefully for a short time and then i will be able to have more time with her. I don't know if she will see it like that but i will try to remember that when she gets upset that i can't play games with her.
As for the title of this post, thats a gmail account i have for saving my thesis in...i guess when i decided to call it that i didn't know just how much i would really hate, and that i wouldn't have finished it by now already
1 comment:
What is the thesis about? I have heard of many people who have spent so much time learning about their subject, years and years, that by the time the end is due, they dont care about it anymore and have to force themselves to finish.
What would you WANT to do if you could be anything in the world?
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